Fear

I'm afraid.

I'm afraid to let loose who I am.

Those of you who know me well don't see this in me. To you I am fearless. I wear my heart and my kink on my sleeve.

What I really want to talk about is my art. I want to be unafraid with that. I want to pour all I am into it. So far all that is in there is my melancholy, my music and my longing. The truth is that this is but a small part of me. The vague hunts at kitten play and the cage are subtle nods towards what I am.
The sad truth about my artwork is that I paint what I long for. I paint the girl I hope to find and yes, I want that girl to share my kinks.

I know I haven't found her yet.

Anyway, my sob story aside I want to say that I want to put more kink into my work but I'm not sure how.

Mostly because, and sadly this is an important factor.... my work has to sell.

A painful place to be

I find myself stood in a painful place. There is the thing I have to do, the part of me I can't give up. The part of me I have to put all of me into so that I can make my way in this world. Right now I have to do this and make exception for nothing. Sleep and food must come second because if I fail I will hate myself for the rest of my life. I will have destroyed everything I put my time into for the past ten years for nothing.

Last year I threw away all that I had to pursue something. My art. I left behind a steady pay cheque and a girl that I had stood beside for this. and yes there were problems with them both but I looked at my life and realized it was something I could do, something I could live with if I had to, but I would never truly be happy. So I walked away from everything and chased this down.

I am not done chasing and this is getting critical for me. My lifelines are running out. But I have to do this.

The reason this is a painful place is that there are the things I want to do. The people in my life that I am coming to know that I want to spend my time with and I am hurting them as much as I'm hurting myself because I long for a life. I long for the people to talk to , the person to hold.

I find myself hating myself for painting because it takes me from what I want. But at the same time I hate not painting for the same reasons.

I feel like I have been tied to wild horses and someone's yelled "YAH"

So I've just spent the past few days getting all my online stores in order. Now in just waiting for approval and then some new sales.

I'm tired and stressed and all I want is for things to work out.

Here goes nothing.

This past year

This past year has had its up's and downs. I've lost two people I care about for my own stupidity and selfishness. I have started a new venture that my whole life has been building towards. I've alienated friends and made new ones. I've fallen in love and had my heart broken, once in the same moment.

It has been a mixed year.

Looking towards next year I know I have hardship coming but I am ready. I know what I want and I will fight  for it. I know who I am and I will fight to be it.

I have a lot to achieve in the next 12 months but I am capable, I am determined and I am ready.

Bring it on!

You Don't Sing Me Love Songs

This is a piece I did a while ago. It was in fact the first step along my road to be an artist.

Basically I used to work in a gallery and I used to see some outstanding pieces on a daily basis. Unused to look at them and think, with my degree and college and all that I had the skills to do what these people were doing.I used to look at some beautiful works of art and say "if I didn't have a full time job I could do that. If only I had the time to put in that effort."

Anyway, I took time off work and I thought, yes, I'll do it. This is what happened. I realised I wasn't all talk.

So I decided to go for it. All the work, the time, the effort. All the blood sweat and tears that has been poured into my work. I have decided to make this work for me.

Bad Kitty

This is "Bad Kitty". I loved painting this one. Beki is an awesome model. She has the most expressive face.

I've spent ages working on pieces that were melancholy and I just wanted to do something fun.

And there's nothing wrong with something a bit cheeky and a bit kinky either.

Right Here Waiting

"if you chose to walk away, I'll still be right here waiting."

Stained. Right here waiting.

I love that song, it's one of those ones I always go back to.

Then someone said those words to me and they stuck. This is that moment, when you find yourself wondering what that other person is doing. Are they sitting and waiting for you, as lost in those rose tinted pictures of the past as you are. Or have they moved on? Have they forgotten you?

Are you lost and alone while you sit right there... Waiting.