A painful place to be

I find myself stood in a painful place. There is the thing I have to do, the part of me I can't give up. The part of me I have to put all of me into so that I can make my way in this world. Right now I have to do this and make exception for nothing. Sleep and food must come second because if I fail I will hate myself for the rest of my life. I will have destroyed everything I put my time into for the past ten years for nothing.

Last year I threw away all that I had to pursue something. My art. I left behind a steady pay cheque and a girl that I had stood beside for this. and yes there were problems with them both but I looked at my life and realized it was something I could do, something I could live with if I had to, but I would never truly be happy. So I walked away from everything and chased this down.

I am not done chasing and this is getting critical for me. My lifelines are running out. But I have to do this.

The reason this is a painful place is that there are the things I want to do. The people in my life that I am coming to know that I want to spend my time with and I am hurting them as much as I'm hurting myself because I long for a life. I long for the people to talk to , the person to hold.

I find myself hating myself for painting because it takes me from what I want. But at the same time I hate not painting for the same reasons.

I feel like I have been tied to wild horses and someone's yelled "YAH"