I'm afraid.
I'm afraid to let loose who I am.
Those of you who know me well don't see this in me. To you I am fearless. I wear my heart and my kink on my sleeve.
What I really want to talk about is my art. I want to be unafraid with that. I want to pour all I am into it. So far all that is in there is my melancholy, my music and my longing. The truth is that this is but a small part of me. The vague hunts at kitten play and the cage are subtle nods towards what I am.
The sad truth about my artwork is that I paint what I long for. I paint the girl I hope to find and yes, I want that girl to share my kinks.
I know I haven't found her yet.
Anyway, my sob story aside I want to say that I want to put more kink into my work but I'm not sure how.
Mostly because, and sadly this is an important factor.... my work has to sell.
Wednesday, 9 January 2013
Tuesday, 8 January 2013
A painful place to be
I find myself stood in a painful place. There is the thing I have to do, the part of me I can't give up. The part of me I have to put all of me into so that I can make my way in this world. Right now I have to do this and make exception for nothing. Sleep and food must come second because if I fail I will hate myself for the rest of my life. I will have destroyed everything I put my time into for the past ten years for nothing.
Last year I threw away all that I had to pursue something. My art. I left behind a steady pay cheque and a girl that I had stood beside for this. and yes there were problems with them both but I looked at my life and realized it was something I could do, something I could live with if I had to, but I would never truly be happy. So I walked away from everything and chased this down.
I am not done chasing and this is getting critical for me. My lifelines are running out. But I have to do this.
The reason this is a painful place is that there are the things I want to do. The people in my life that I am coming to know that I want to spend my time with and I am hurting them as much as I'm hurting myself because I long for a life. I long for the people to talk to , the person to hold.
I find myself hating myself for painting because it takes me from what I want. But at the same time I hate not painting for the same reasons.
I feel like I have been tied to wild horses and someone's yelled "YAH"
Last year I threw away all that I had to pursue something. My art. I left behind a steady pay cheque and a girl that I had stood beside for this. and yes there were problems with them both but I looked at my life and realized it was something I could do, something I could live with if I had to, but I would never truly be happy. So I walked away from everything and chased this down.
I am not done chasing and this is getting critical for me. My lifelines are running out. But I have to do this.
The reason this is a painful place is that there are the things I want to do. The people in my life that I am coming to know that I want to spend my time with and I am hurting them as much as I'm hurting myself because I long for a life. I long for the people to talk to , the person to hold.
I find myself hating myself for painting because it takes me from what I want. But at the same time I hate not painting for the same reasons.
I feel like I have been tied to wild horses and someone's yelled "YAH"
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